Yesterday was World Mental Health Day. I only learned this from reading Chuck Wendig’s blog (I’m on a Chuck Wendig binge right now; should really read his Star Wars novels. Anyway…) and it got me wondering about the difference between the Block and Anxiety/Depression. I’ve experienced all three. I don’t think I’m depressed right now, but my baseline is probably so fucked that I can’t tell anymore what ‘normal’ feels like. I’ve been having weird physical symptoms like lack of hunger, weird sense of smell, spongy mouth, breathlessness, which could all mean anxiety or cancer or something else (those are the standard options). And, as I’ve publicly reported on this here blog, I’ve been having major issues with writing for what feels like years. Oh, actually, it has been years. Yay.
So here’s the tricky bit: how do I untangle the anxiety from genuine illness and writer’s block? How the flippin’ hell am I supposed to figure this out? Like, do I need to go easy on myself, or do I need to work harder? For me, the worst thing about mental illness is the lack of trust in my own judgement. It’s a bit like waking up in a strange world where you don’t know who you are, who to trust, or what you’re supposed to be doing. After dealing with my Fear earlier this year, I managed to haul myself out of the darkest doldrums of depression, and I hoped that my anxiety and Block would go away as a result. But nope, they’re still hanging around. I do feel a lot better – I’m much kinder to myself, and I can’t remember the last time I had a really Bad Day – but I still feel broken and unsure. Is this all part of the creative process? Is this why artists drink?
Bleh. If only I knew.
Anyway. Yesterday I mapped out broad strokes for each chapter of The Forest King, and today I’m going to begin the second draft of Chapter One. I’ve got my original draft to help me, but I doubt I’ll keep much. Maybe the odd line of description or a piece of snazzy dialogue. I’m aiming for longer chapters, closer to 6000 words than my usual 2000, so I’m giving myself until the weekend to get down a rough draft of Chapter One. For whatever reason, longer chapters feel right for this story.
Right. Here goes…