I’m circling the black hole. Not been here in a while, but it feels like I never left. 

Anyway, I’m documenting my day, mostly to keep myself accountable so I don’t gravitate to the sofa and fall into irreversible lethargy. 

0730 – 0830 General Bad Mood Bear

0830 – 0930 Scribbled in notebook in attempt to lift my mood. Decided that I’m going to dump everything I know about this book into Scrivener, and see if any scenes take shape. Have given myself until mid October to get this to my critique partner. 

0930 – 1005: Lots of musing and creating scene ideas on Scrivener. Actually feeling a lot better (but still have no idea what to write). 

1005 – 1015: Thinking about Process and how I need to STOP thinking about Process and go back to what I do naturally. It’s been almost five years since I started freaking out about word count, planning/pantsing, typing/longhand – all the crap that doesn’t actually matter. If I could wipe my memory, I would. I need to get back to the good old days, when I just used my intuition. I thought I was getting there, but I’ve realised I’m still stuck in an unhelpful mindset. I guess it’ll take continued awareness to fully heal, and lots and lots (and lots) of time. 

Out of interest, my ‘natural’ process looks something like this:

Think think think, build a general idea of the story, then write and build as I go, usually rewriting the beginning a million times as I figure out what I want to say. The whole process is a mess – it’s planning, drafting and editing all rolled into one. A fine balance between knowing what I’m going to write and planning everything to an inch of its life and sapping all the excitement. No targets for wordcounts or scenes; just putting in a good day’s work. 

So, why can’t I allow myself to return to this? In the last five years I’ve been so concerned about finding the ‘perfect’ process and becoming more productive that I’ve turned my back on my own natural method. 

I am a fool. 

Anyway, back to the day in hand. 

1020 – 1140: Went for a walk to clear my head of all this process stuff. Deliberately didn’t play my book’s soundtrack so my thoughts could get a proper break. 

1140 – 1200: Got a good idea for the opening scene and fleshed it out a bit. Need to answer quite a few questions. My mind then unhelpfully dredged up an unpleasant memory (thanks Mind!), so I’m gonna go to the gym and read, rather than sit here and stew. Mood and energy have come back down again after a nice lift. 

(1200 – 1230: General mucking about and delaying. Bleh.)

1230 – 1420: Gym. Read Contact. Mood much better now! Good ole exercise. 

1430 – 1630: More musing on Chap 1. 

So, today turned out decent in the end. I could have worked though. That’s something for tomorrow, I guess.